I told you ...

... I would write about sexuality and here it is.

For the last three months I've tried to take a series of self-portraits with a sexual connotation and I haven't managed to do it. I have not problem to talk about sex with my friends but I've felt quite concern about expressing it in a picture. Certainty, it is not the same telling to a friend how you feel or think about sex than doing it publicly. 

What's more, it is a bit more complicated with a photo as you are not actually there to let them know how you feel or think. They have to interpret the image and the reading they can do of it may be different of what you intended to transmit.

Let's use this photo, even it is just a draft, as an example. I used a white background because for me it is the color of pureness and it is associated to positive qualities as honesty or loyalty. In other words, my intention is transmitting to the viewer the idea of what they see is true. It happens that what they find in the photo is my portrait, so the effect I want to create is that whatever I have to say, in this case, to show, is true. This idea is reinforced by the fact that I show myself naked as saying that there is no room for tricks. On top of that, the lighting is quite smooth to avoid harsh shadows. Could an image be more honest?

Well, it depends on what you say, doesn't it? In this case the message is a bit subtle - it wasn't my intention, I wanted to make it quite noticeable ... remember, it is still a draft. It is not about the look-how-sexy-I-am pose, actually, it was a kind of accidental thing that just happened as I wanted to feel the caress on my head. On the contrary, it is about the pinch on the nipple. I wanted to add some tension to the image, make of the pinch the visual centre of the photo, steer the viewer to it and make obvious that my intention was to say that this picture is about sex.

The image doesn't work as it looks like that I'm pretending to seduce the viewer instead of saying that I'm a very sexual person.

In any case, this is the first of a series of three self-portraits. The other ones will be the grey and the black ones but I  don't promise I will write about them.

Paciencia ...

... (be patient) is what I always say to my friends when they are down. This was not my own philosophy, it was given to me long time ago and, believe me,  I did need it. The problem is that when you are not ok you don't want to wait, you want things change fast. Unfortunately, things take time to change.

It came to my mind because during my current project, uniforms, I was shocked twice while taking photos. I asked everybody the same two questions, what are the three words that best describe them and what is their dream. The reason I did so is just to have something to talk about during the photo session. I don't like people to feel interrogated - it is uncomfortable enough for them to stand in front of the camera let alone to have to answer personal questions as well - so, I give them something back. I like to think that at the end of the session they leave with the feeling of having had a nice chat instead of have just been in a photo shoot.

It was sad hearing that two of the people whose photos I took had no dream. The first time I couldn't believe what I heard. I didn't want to hear it. For me, not having a dream is as being dead. No dream, no motivation. What is the point of carry on living if you have nothing to pursue in life?

I didn't ask them what had put them in such negative situation but I guess that in, at least, one case the reason is a broken heart. So, the problem isn't not having a dream but not accepting that a certain dream is not possible to achieve. Yes, it happens. Sometimes goals are not achievable and it can be hard and frustrating to accept this. In that case I would give them the second piece of advice that was given to me twelve years ago by my friend Maripi: things happen because they have to. Of course, it has to be read in a positive way, I mean, if you cannot get something now is because there is something else better waiting for you out there.

Now, I have to put into practice both pieces of advice because I'm not sure if this project is achievable as there is a legal issue I hadn't considered. I have to find out if it makes sense to carry on working on it or if I have to put all my photos in a drawer and start thinking about a new project - the one I talked about in the last entry, perhaps? If so, I've learnt I'm able to work in the studio in an acceptable way, something I had avoided until now for a serious project - I felt more confident with composition than with people expressions. However, for the uniforms project I got some good ones, as the one showed.

It's frustrating to have had an idea and not being able to work on it as much as you wanted. Parking the uniforms project would also mean that I have to start again from sketches to build up my portfolio. Once more. So, ... paciencia.

the second half ...

is the title of a potential photographic project.

For me, life lasts eighty years or at least that's the way I've always seen it. A couple of days ago I celebrated my thirty-ninth birthday, which means that I'm about to reach the halfway mark. I thought of this project to avoid having a psychological barrier to sort out next year.

The project itself would consist of a set of portraits of people over the age of forty who are, at a personal level, admirable. For instance, I would like to take the portrait of my grandmother because she delivered eleven children to this world and nowadays parents rarely go for more than one or two children. In my case none. It's simply that I don't find the right time for that, there is always an excuse not to become a father.

I would include, as well, some of those people that still run marathons over the age of sixty or my friend's next door neighbor, who still pilots light aircrafts despite of having exceeded the imaginary limit of eighty years old.

They say everybody needs icons, people to look at and feel which, in some way, they can identify with I'm not sure if I have enough of those references. I don't support any football team, in fact, I don't know a single thing about football, so, I can't look for idols in that field. On top of that, today's Fernando Alonso or the tennis player Nadal are not as strong references as the cyclist Miguel Indurain was, how long ago? fifteen years? In any case, those - sport players, celebrities, politicians or singers - aren't the kind of icons I'd like to portray so I will try to find my own ones, people as close to me as possible, just in case I need them next year.

boundaries to be defined

Last summer I started a personal project. I went on holiday with my family and with the intention of portraying them. It was the right moment as we all met together abroad for first time after my father's death. So, I loaded my bag with my digital SLR for those holiday photos and my 35mm film camera to point at my family members.

For a while I thought of not doing it as one of my sisters wasn't able to come with us. However, I decided to carry on with the project as I realized that if I wanted to make an accurate portrait of my family I needed much more than a week's holiday and I should extend it for a longer period of time (many years?).

In some way it's a normal family. It has good moments to enjoy and bad ones to deal with. It's in one of those bad moments that I lost the chance of doing something personal and intense when my father passed away. It came to mind to take the photo of him in the coffin and some still-life to capture some of his belongings and his environment at home. I wasn't brave enough, though. I couldn't take that photo of him and, therefore, I didn't take any of the still-life ones.

For my project I've done some research. For instance, I like the way Annie Leibovitz approached her own family. She showed Susan Sontag and her own mother in a very respectful way, far away from the Richard Billingham's approach of his parents. He says they are happy with their son's photos, however, I wouldn't be able to show my family in that way. My project is not likely to be as extensive as the Ana Casas Broda's one but, who knows?, time will tell.

In my family there is an element which would be of Diane Arbus' interest. It's my sister's disability. I couldn't say I'm proud of her disability because it's something you cannot be proud of but I'm not ashamed of it. I just accept it. So, I don't have any problem in showing her in my photos, nevertheless, it doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the same respect that everybody else does. I don't feel I'm exploiting her disability and I wouldn't base the whole project on her as there are so many other subjects and relationships to cover. However, she's my main concern.

decisions ...

to be taken. I have to choose one of these two images. On one hand I've got what I was looking for, in the first image, a portrait of Him, the main subject is not a bouncer but David - ok, dressed ready to go to work ... as a bouncer in a pub, but still the strength of the photo is on the person and not on the role he plays. On top of that, I framed it inspired by Richard Avedon and, to be honest, I believe it worked, I mean, the composition. It's a pity his expression is not that strong.

On the other hand, the second image is stronger because of his gaze, his pose and the lighting. I asked him to hold his hands in that way so I looked for a non-frontral pose but still keeping him able to stare at the camera. However, it's not David anymore, it's a bouncer. I photographed the role, not the person. 

It's here where the dilemma comes. Choosing the strongest image or keeping myself loyal to my first intention. Well, I still have some time to make the final decision ... but something tells me I've already done it.

similarities

From time to time it happens that when I take a look for first time at one of my photos it brings to my mind another one. This is the case with this picture. It was something unintentional, I mean, it isn't a transcription and I wasn't inspired by anything in particular. 

The other one, the one which came to my mind is the Diane Arbus' portrait of a travesty (click here to see it) at her house. There are many things that don't match between the two images. For instance, the cigarette isn't held by the same hand - actually, in my version, the cigarette is almost hidden between her fingers -, one of them has a plain background, the other one hasn't; the use of the flash is completely different in both cases and so on.

Despite of all those differences, I find they have something in common. It's as if they shared the same kind of aesthetic. Whatever the point is, I'm happy when it happens because it makes me think I have some potential, something to be developed and bring out as often as possible.

last night ...

I did something unusual, I opened the messenger and I met some friends there. One of them paid me a compliment, a really special one. After seening this photograph, she told me I'm the Avedon from the Canaries (Canary Islands) ... I wish!

The thing is that friends are rarely impartial or objective. Some of them are, of course; even sometimes they are too impartial. That is good, though. Listening to those impartial friends I keep in touch with reality. Probably the best example is Lalo (webpage, blog). He is the kind of person who would never lie to you about what he thinks of a picture. 

On the other hand, thanks to those ones who told me I was good at taking photographs I started taking photography as a serious option, a real one. I couldn't stop taking pictures, I started taking classes and, for a while, I even joined a local photo club. There something happened that I didn't understand at that point. They asked me what I liked most of photography. Portraits was my answer and they started laughing. They told me taking a good portrait wasn't that easy. I didn't get offended but I didn't share their opinion ... They were so right!

Certainly I'm not an Avedon, I'm not gifted. I have to work hard to get a good portrait. Good portrait? I still wonder how to know when a portrait is good and when it's not. So, I use a trick to discard the bad ones and keep the not-so-bad ones. Photographers used to hang their prints up outside the darkroom to get bored of them. That is it, time is the clue and the trick.

I have adapted that trick as I mainly - but not only - shoot digitally. I usually set my favorite photo as the wall paper in my computer. I spend a lot of time looking at it, a lot of time. I could say it is almost an obsession. The problem is that sometimes I get lost in the details and can't see the whole image. In those cases there is nothing better than stepping back.

Now, I'm putting my trick into practice with this very last portrait I took few days ago there in the Canary Islands. Although I like her expression - you couldn't imagine how difficult it was to get her relaxed -, I'm not that sure about the background. It's too busy in the most important area of the photo, by her head. So, I´m not sure if her expression outweighs my disappointment with the background. In a couple of weeks the balance will tell me what was heavier.